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Understanding How to Heal
INTRODUCTION
When it comes to healing from emotional pain, the concept of forgiveness is often suggested as the path to inner peace. We frequently hear, “Forgiveness is for you, not for them,” but what happens when the idea of forgiveness itself feels wrong or even painful? For many, especially those who have experienced deep hurt or trauma, the thought of forgiving someone who hasn’t expressed remorse can feel invalidating and even retraumatising. This is where understanding the difference between forgiveness and letting go becomes essential.
What is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is typically defined as the conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward someone who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. It’s often portrayed as a noble act, one that reflects your strength and ability to rise above the hurt.
However, traditional forgiveness implies a few things:
- Acknowledgement of Wrongdoing: It usually presumes that the person who hurt you recognises their actions and is seeking forgiveness.
- Desire to Mend the Relationship: Forgiveness is often associated with repairing or continuing a relationship, whether it’s a personal, familial, or professional one.
- Emotional Release: The aim is to free yourself from the emotional burden of anger and resentment.
While these are positive outcomes, they aren’t always possible or even desirable in every situation. For those who have experienced deep betrayal, abuse, or trauma, the concept of forgiving someone who hasn’t shown remorse can feel like another layer of hurt.
What is Letting Go?
Letting go is an internal process that doesn’t necessarily involve the other person at all. It’s about releasing the grip that negative emotions have on you, without having to forgive the person who caused them. This is crucial when dealing with people who aren’t sorry or when the hurt was so profound that forgiveness seems impossible.
Key Aspects of Letting Go:
- Personal Healing: Letting go is about prioritising your emotional and mental health, choosing not to carry the burden of past hurt any longer.
- Emotional Freedom: It’s about reclaiming your peace of mind and emotional balance, regardless of the other person’s actions or attitudes.
- Empowerment: Letting go empowers you to move forward, without being held back by resentment or the need for closure from the person who hurt you.
My Personal Experience with Forgiveness and Letting Go
Several years ago, I found myself struggling to cope with the aftermath of being bullied and harassed in a workplace. I decided to see a psychologist to help me process the trauma and find a way to move forward. During one of our sessions, the psychologist suggested that I needed to forgive those who had hurt me. But this advice caused me immense distress. How could I forgive people who had shown no remorse? People who had never apologised or even acknowledged the pain they inflicted?
The expectation to forgive felt like a betrayal of my own experience. I felt pressured to erase what had happened, to move past it in a way that didn’t honour my feelings. It made me question my own healing process—was I not capable of healing if I couldn’t forgive? Was I doomed to carry this pain forever?
It took me a long time, and a lot of work on my self-confidence and self-worth, to realise that forgiveness wasn’t the key for me. What I needed was to let go. I had to let go of the emotional weight of their actions because they were never going to ask for forgiveness, and it wasn’t something I had to give.
I began to focus on myself—my healing, my boundaries, my peace. I learned to see that their actions were a reflection of them, not of me. By letting go of the need to forgive, I released myself from the cycle of hurt and resentment. I found my strength and confidence again, and I allowed myself to heal. I came to understand that I didn’t need to forgive them to move on; I just needed to let go of the power their actions had over me.
The Healing Power of Letting Go:
1. Acknowledging the Pain: The first step in letting go is acknowledging the pain, without judgement or shame. It’s okay to feel hurt, betrayed, or angry. These emotions are valid and deserve to be expressed. Don’t rush yourself to forgive just because that’s what others say you should do.
2. Understanding Your Feelings: Take time to explore why you feel the way you do. What are the underlying emotions? Is it betrayal, fear, loss, or something else? Understanding your emotions can help you begin to release them.
3. Setting Boundaries: Part of letting go is setting firm boundaries, especially if the person who hurt you is still in your life. This might mean limiting contact, or even cutting ties altogether. It’s about creating a safe space for yourself to heal without being retraumatised.
4. Reclaiming Your Power: Letting go allows you to reclaim your personal power. You are no longer waiting for an apology or an act of remorse that may never come. You take control of your healing journey.
5. Practising Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself. Healing takes time, and it’s okay to struggle. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small, and remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can.
6. Releasing the Emotional Weight: Visualisation can be a powerful tool in this process. Imagine the pain and resentment you’re holding onto as a heavy burden you’re carrying. Then, picture yourself gently putting it down and walking away. Feel the lightness and freedom that comes with letting go.
7. Trusting the Process: Believe that your healing journey is valid, no matter how different it may look from what others expect. Trust that, in time, the emotional wounds will heal and you will feel whole again.
8. Believing in Karma or Universal Justice: For some, believing that there is a universal balance—whether you call it karma or something else—can bring a sense of peace. It’s not about wishing harm on those who hurt you, but trusting that their actions will have consequences, whether you see them or not.
Why Forgiveness Can Feel Impossible:
In many cases, the pressure to forgive can feel like a dismissal of your pain. It can feel like you’re being asked to condone what happened, or to pretend it didn’t affect you. This is especially true when the person who hurt you hasn’t acknowledged their wrongdoing. Forgiveness, in these situations, can feel more like an act of erasure than one of healing.
Why Letting Go Is Powerful:
Letting go shifts the focus from the other person to you. It’s not about their remorse, their actions, or their ability to change. It’s about you deciding that you will no longer carry the emotional weight of their actions. It’s a way of taking back your power and choosing your own peace over their control.
CONCLUSION:
Understanding the difference between forgiveness and letting go can be a game-changer in your healing journey. You don’t have to forgive to heal, especially when the person who hurt you isn’t sorry. Letting go is about finding your own peace, releasing the hold that pain has on you, and moving forward with your life. It’s an act of self-love and emotional freedom.
For me, letting go was the key to reclaiming my life, finding my strength, and moving forward with confidence. I believe that letting go is a gift we give ourselves—a way to honour our pain, release it, and make space for healing, growth, and joy.
Whether you choose to forgive or let go, know that your journey is yours alone, and whatever path you take is valid. You have the power to heal in the way that feels right for you.
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Love and light to you all 🙏🙌
SUSETTE JARVIS
DipCHP/DipC
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